Review: STEP UP 3-D (Zero Stars)

107 minutes of my life that I'm never getting back. What's worse, is that it didn't have to be this way...

Our story begins with Moose and Camille on their first day at NYU. Moose becomes distracted, and gets separated from Camille, eventually finding himself stumbling into the middle of a dance battle. Supposedly, he does well in this impromptu battle and shows up a prominent dancer (I say supposedly because I am unaware of how one actually wins a battle). This dancer isn't too thrilled with "being served", and chases Moose clear out of the park. This is where Luke comes to the kid's rescue.

Luke takes Moose under his wing, hoping to recruit him into his Lost Boys-like dance crew. ("Well, I am just about to start my freshman year at a top school...but I should have tonnes of free time, why not?"). Luke invites Moose into The Vault, a sprawling NYC loft that only exists in the movies where his crew - The Pirates - live, work, and play. They have it all. Workshops through every door, enough living space for ten dancers, an audio system made up of a wall of boomboxes...and what seems like a twelve by twenty foot wall filled with sneakers. Don't get grabby though: "Around here, we have to earn our kicks". (That one's a direct quote).

But life ain't all beer and pizza for The Pirates. See, they're behind on they're rent (I'll bet with a pad like that). They're one shot at keeping the joint lays in winning some contest called The World Jam (doesn't it always). And while a new girl who catches Luke's eye named Natalie might be the missing ingredient, she might also be hiding something (hard to believe, I know).

Can Moose dance and be an engineering student?
Can The Pirates save their home?
Is Natalie the one for Luke, or is she hiding something?

But most of all:

Should we care one iota about any of this???



Where to begin? With the amazingly lame B-FAB mantra? (B-FAB standing for Born From A Boombox. Yes really) With the protagonist who pays lip service to the fact that he's at NYU for engineering, but spends nearly every waking minute dancing? With the dance crew that follows that protagonist into a men's room and challenges him to a battle while he's still standing at a urinal? Or what about the amazingly predictable love stories, one of which actually fires off the classic "But that was before I knew you" SHE'S ALL THAT special??

Am I giving this movie zero stars because it's "not my cup of tea"? No - that wouldn't be fair. I'm giving this film zero stars because I believe that it fails on every level. Not only does it feature acting that would make the worst thespian on The CW look classically trained, but it handcuffs every actor involved by forcing them to recite the worst dialogue George Lucas never wrote. It has decided to ride the 3-D wave into theatres, and done so with silly 'comin-at-ya' visuals usually reserved for theme park attractions.

Finally there's the dancing. The dancing on display in this movie is actually top notch. Unfortunately, the film's director and producers feel that it isn't enough to have show great dancing by great dancers backed by great music. Instead, they have laced every major routine with more sound effects than a TRANSFORMERS film. Likewise, they seldom let the routines stand for themselves. Nay, in order to truly make each routine "special", it must incorporate moves made through puddles, through dust, or through every prop imaginable on a fake Manhattan street. Or when all else fails - outfit everybody in Light Brite Jackets.

This is upsetting for two reasons. First of all, there are in fact many dance crews around the country that put in countless hours spent on being insanely creative to achieve their dreams. I'd wager that their story is an entertaining one: why wasn't their story told instead of this rejected Degrassi script? Secondly, if TV ratings tell us anything, it's that there is a large audience out there for dance nowadays. Offering them a chance to watch what they love on the big screen is admirable - but insulting their intelligence once you have them in the cinema is a dick move.

Indeed, I realize that I am not the target demographic for this film. However, when I think about those who are the target demographic, it's difficult for me to envision them enjoying this film - on any level. They don't all have to be MEAN GIRLS, but hopefully they can be something better than JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE. I believe that every teen film should aim for escapism, if not entertainment.

STEP UP 3-D provides neither.

What did you think? Feel free to leave comments with any thoughts or reactions on STEP UP 3-D

PS - If I haven't wailed away enough on this cinematic waste of time, take a listen to an impromptu episode of The Matineecast that Lady Hatter and I recorded.